This has to got to be the most insane week I have encountered in a very long time. This is the very last week of the Spring semester, and since I did absolutely no studying last week, I am severely behind. The final is on Friday, and my last paper is due on Sunday. Thank goodness she’s giving us until Sunday. But there is something somewhat-major-but-possibly-nothing-at-all happening on Thursday that could throw things a bit out of whack.
I’m getting an Upper Endoscopy on Thursday morning. GEEEHHHHH *Shudder*
For those of you who don’t know or didn’t click the link, an Upper Endoscopy is where they stick a camera attached to a long, bendy stick down your throat and down past your stomach to check for different diseases. It’s usually used to confirm Celiac, or GERD, or check for and repair polyps. In my case it’s get to the bottom of my chronic nausea and indigestion. I don’t know how in-depth I have gotten into my stomach woes on this blog, but I have been suffering for years. I’ve had problems most of my life, but they have really started to become troublesome over the last decade. It affects my day-to-day life. I can’t perform a lot of duties (especially if they involve leaving the house) because of it. Believe me, this step is necessary, and long overdue.
You guys, I am so scared. It’s hard to pick which part is more terrifying: that they’re going to throat-rape me with a camera, or that I may or may not be sedated. I’ve never been put under or sedated for a medical procedure before, and I don’t know what to expect before or after. I haven’t talked to my nurse yet about the medications or the protocol, so all I am going on are various stories from the internet. You know that’s dangerous.
Most likely they will spray my throat with an anesthetic to kill my gag reflex, and then they’ll put under what is known as “twilight sedation,” which is where they put you out of it but not completely out. You’re still awake enough to do things if they need you to, but you probably won’t remember. Putting you completely out usually means there needs to be an anesthesiologist present, and they need to monitor, or even supplement breathing. Since this is going to be done in the office and not the hospital, I’m willing to bet that’s not the case. I researched the various drugs they may or may not use for the procedure, which was probably not very smart. You know what? That really wasn’t very smart. Just look up the drug “Versed” and get ready to shit your pants in terror for me.
There are so many aspects of this procedure that are royally fucking with my head. I have severe emetophobia, and I can’t think of anything more effective at inducing vomiting than sticking a 3-foot-long stick down your throat. As I said, I have never been put under, and if they end up using the aforementioned drug, there is no guarantee I’ll even be asleep. I don’t want them to do whatever they want to do me, ignoring my protests, relying entirely on me “not remembering.” Thats not cool! The whole thought of not having control over the situation, being harmed, and not being able to defend myself, or have anyone around to stand up for me is what is scaring me the most right now. I would read horror stories about something similar to this happening and I would literally cry from the fear. REAL TEARS!
Vance said something to me, after days of listening to me whine and cry, that was actually really enlightening. He said, without bragging or sounding condescending, “I think I could do it. I think if they just give me the throat spray, I could do it totally awake.” Nothing about that statement makes any sense to me. Like, I could feel my brain breaking after hearing that statement. The truth is people opt to do that instead of being sedated all of the time. Don’t ask me why, but they do. Vance said he thinks he could do it, because it doesn’t hurt, and even though it’s very uncomfortable, he knows it wouldn’t last for very long. If the procedure is 10-15 minutes long, then there is an end in sight, and so it would be bearable. And that is an excellent point. You’re not being cut open, and yeah it’s uncomfortable, and you might throw up (GAH) but it doesn’t last long. And you won’t die. And then you get to go home and eat pie or pancakes or whatever, and hell, they might even give you medicine to make you feel better.
The fact that I could be cured is the sole reason I haven’t cancelled yet. Even if I cancelled with the intention of doing it “someday” why would I want to wait any longer? I’m miserable most days. I have put this off for three years. This needs to happen.
So I’m going to go in on Thursday at 9 am. I will update at some point afterwards. Wish me luck!