Facing fears

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This has to got to be the most insane week I have encountered in a very long time. This is the very last week of the Spring semester, and since I did absolutely no studying last week, I am severely behind. The final is on Friday, and my last paper is due on Sunday. Thank goodness she’s giving us until Sunday. But there is something somewhat-major-but-possibly-nothing-at-all happening on Thursday that could throw things a bit out of whack.

I’m getting an Upper Endoscopy on Thursday morning. GEEEHHHHH *Shudder*

For those of you who don’t know or didn’t click the link, an Upper Endoscopy is where they stick a camera attached to a long, bendy stick down your throat and down past your stomach to check for different diseases. It’s usually used to confirm Celiac, or GERD, or check for and repair polyps. In my case it’s get to the bottom of my chronic nausea and indigestion. I don’t know how in-depth I have gotten into my stomach woes on this blog, but I have been suffering for years. I’ve had problems most of my life, but they have really started to become troublesome over the last decade. It affects my day-to-day life. I can’t perform a lot of duties (especially if they involve leaving the house) because of it. Believe me, this step is necessary, and long overdue.

You guys, I am so scared. It’s hard to pick which part is more terrifying: that they’re going to throat-rape me with a camera, or that I may or may not be sedated. I’ve never been put under or sedated for a medical procedure before, and I don’t know what to expect before or after. I haven’t talked to my nurse yet about the medications or the protocol, so all I am going on are various stories from the internet. You know that’s dangerous.

Most likely they will spray my throat with an anesthetic to kill my gag reflex, and then they’ll put under what is known as “twilight sedation,” which is where they put you out of it but not completely out. You’re still awake enough to do things if they need you to, but you probably won’t remember. Putting you completely out usually means there needs to be an anesthesiologist present, and they need to monitor, or even supplement breathing. Since this is going to be done in the office and not the hospital, I’m willing to bet that’s not the case. I researched the various drugs they may or may not use for the procedure, which was probably not very smart. You know what? That really wasn’t very smart. Just look up the drug “Versed” and get ready to shit your pants in terror for me.

There are so many aspects of this procedure that are royally fucking with my head. I have severe emetophobia, and I can’t think of anything more effective at inducing vomiting than sticking a 3-foot-long stick down your throat. As I said, I have never been put under, and if they end up using the aforementioned drug, there is no guarantee I’ll even be asleep. I don’t want them to do whatever they want to do me, ignoring my protests, relying entirely on me “not remembering.” Thats not cool! The whole thought of not having control over the situation, being harmed, and not being able to defend myself, or have anyone around to stand up for me is what is scaring me the most right now. I would read horror stories about something similar to this happening and I would literally cry from the fear.  REAL TEARS!

Vance said something to me, after days of listening to me whine and cry, that was actually really enlightening. He said, without bragging or sounding condescending, “I think I could do it. I think if they just give me the throat spray, I could do it totally awake.” Nothing about that statement makes any sense to me. Like, I could feel my brain breaking after hearing that statement. The truth is people opt to do that instead of being sedated all of the time. Don’t ask me why, but they do. Vance said he thinks he could do it, because it doesn’t hurt, and even though it’s very uncomfortable, he knows it wouldn’t last for very long. If the procedure is 10-15 minutes long, then there is an end in sight, and so it would be bearable. And that is an excellent point. You’re not being cut open, and yeah it’s uncomfortable, and you might throw up (GAH) but it doesn’t last long. And you won’t die. And then you get to go home and eat pie or pancakes or whatever, and hell, they might even give you medicine to make you feel better.

The fact that I could be cured is the sole reason I haven’t cancelled yet. Even if I cancelled with the intention of doing it “someday” why would I want to wait any longer? I’m miserable most days. I have put this off for three years. This needs to happen.

So I’m going to go in on Thursday at 9 am. I will update at some point afterwards. Wish me luck!

 

 

Passing the torch

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Okay everyone, I need some advice. Opinions. Judgments. Call them what you will.

So, Rush is coming at the end of November. Yes, it’s THAT time of year again. For a bunch of geezers pushing 60, they don’t mess around when it comes to their work. They’ve practically been touring non-stop since 2007, new-album-or-none. They’re like Trans-Siberian Orchestra, only entertaining.

I saw Rush for the first time in 2002,  when I was 17. They were touring in support of their Vapor Trails album, their first endeavor after a 5 year-hiatus. If you learn the story of why exactly they took that hiatus, it really makes the album, in particular the first single, all the more meaningful and, well, victorious. I saw them again in 2004 during the 30 Anniversary tour, and then in 2007 and 2008 for their Snakes and Arrows tour, and then twice for the Time Machine tour. And if there are two legs on this tour, we will probably see them twice again. It’s become our thing around here.

I first started listening to them when I was 14, and back then I never believed that I would ever get the chance to experience one of their live shows. In fact, right before they announced the Vapor Trails tour back in 2001, I remember having a conversation with my brother about how unlikely it was that they were going to tour again. You know what? To me it made sense. They had been around since the 70′s, they were old, so I had probably missed my chance. Never did I believe that I would not only one day see them live more than 5 times, but that I would also be in the position of having a child that is possibly old enough to see them live as well.

I would like to think that for all of our mistakes and misgivings, the fact that our child loves Rush as much as we do means that we have done something right. The show is on November 30th, which means that Deven will be 5 at the time of the show. We want to take him with us. We just aren’t sure if it’s too soon.

Deven has technically been to a Rush show. Sort of. Technically sort-of. I was 35 weeks pregnant when they came to San Antonio in 2007. He had functioning ears, and it was loud enough to carry through the flesh and fluid for him to hear. That is where the love affair with the Holy Trinity began, I believe. He loves listening to Rush, and he LOVES the concert DVDs. I never thought I could get sick of Rush in Rio, but OH MAN, if you watch anything 5 times in one day, it starts to wear you down.  Lately his favorite thing to do is get his piano or his guitar (yes, he has an ACTUAL functioning guitar) and “play along” to the music. It’s adorable. And noisy.

Of course, we know that watching the DVD from the comfort of your living room is a little different from actually being there. I’ve been explaining to him what the experience is actually like. There are TONS of people there, HUGE CROWDS. TENS OF THOUSANDS of people. Of course, he doesn’t  understand the concept of 20 people, let alone THOUSANDS, but I’ve been trying to convey the point that there are a lot of people at a concert. It’s also loud. LOUD. Like, louder than you can yell. And since he’s so small, he gets to wear these little squishy things inside his ears to minimize the damage. It’s also hard to see the stage. You aren’t going to be right there like the DVD leads you to believe. And it’s 3 hours long. And it’s at night. Those last things are going to be more of our problem than his.

He can sit through a movie, but we still aren’t sure if he’ll be able to sit through a concert. Is he going to freak out when the lights go down? Is the overwhelming volume of the music going to scare him? Is he going to scream in terror over the explosions during Far Cry? Is he going to whine that he’s ready to go home before the intermission? These are our concerns.

As I said, the guys are getting old. It’s getting to the point that every album or every tour could be their last with very little warning. I’m afraid that this is going to be our last chance for Deven to see them. And of course, he appreciates them now, but when he gets to be about 9 or 10, he’s going to be looking for his own thing. He’ll become a teenager, and Rush will be the lamest thing ever, so embarrassing, so I don’t want to lose this opportunity. I don’t know if this is still going to be possible when he’s 7 or 8, but I know it could very well be possible now.

So, what does everyone think?