My dad came and picked Deven up on Saturday to keep him for the week. As soon as they left Vance and I were completely overwhelmed with the realization that we were alone, with no kid, for almost a whole week. Holy crap, what are we going to do? We looked at each other and repeatedly asked “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” THERE WERE SO MANY THINGS WE COULD DO. We could watch TV and not have to worry about it being turned on and off. We could watch porn on the big screen tv if we wanted, we didn’t have a kid! We decided to play video games instead. Of course.
But we got tired of that. So we went to the liquor store. Vance bought a small bottle of rum and a six pack of cokes, and said “we’ll have a couple of cokes to drink” and I was all “YEAH! We don’t have a kid, why not!” Vance laughed at me. Because, you know, everytime I open a can of coke I get lectured by my two year old about the dangers of too much caffeine and high-fructose corn syrup.
We’ve spent the last two days doing whatever the hell we wanted. I did the laundry and played the sims 3 with reckless abandon, Vance mostly sneezed and played Dragon Age. It didn’t matter, the point is, nothing that we did was dictated by the demands of a small child. I love this freedom. I love being able to come and go as I please, something I took for granted when I was childless, and even more so when I was pregnant. I would go out and about and see other moms and be all “I can’t wait to push my baby around the mall”, but of course now I know. Now I know those women probably had to arrange that outing around feedings and naps, had to pack half of their houses just to walk around a damn mall. The moms of older babies had to be ready to drop everything and run as soon as a tantrum started. Boy, I sure was stupid.
But I love my baby. I love having me-time, and Janette-and-Vance time, but I miss him so much. I miss his little voice and his chubby cheeks, I miss him running around the living room giggling. I always worry about someone else taking care of him, but I especially worry when it’s my dad and stepmom. Deven has just learned how to unlock doors and turn knobs, and they have a pool! Oh god, I can’t even let my mind go there. I know I have less to worry about since they would never volunteer to take Deven unless they had absolutely nothing else going on, and I know my stepmom is very good about keeping her eyes on him.
I do appreciate this freedom and the opportunity for Vance and I to spend time together, but I can’t help but feel like a little part of me is missing. When I pass Deven’s nursery I feel the need to poke my head in there and check on him. When I don’t have a lunch to prepare, or a diaper to change, or a hug to give, a boo-boo to kiss, or even a punishment to deal, I feel damn near useless. Sometimes I complain that I feel like I have lost touch with who I am, that I am just a stay-at-home mom, and thats never what I wanted to be. The day that little boy was born, I was done for. I have been marked for life, I am a mom and there is nothing in this world that is going to change it. It is a chronic, debilitating, progressive condition with no cure. You can’t take my kid away from me for week and change anything about my life, or make me feel anything remotely like how I felt before he was born.
Anyway, I’ll see him again on Thursday and feel more like myself again. We’ll eat turkey and then we’ll come home and we’ll go crazy all over again.