Guess what day I hate

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Yes, I hate Valentine’s day. It’s a holiday for kids and for people who are in the early lovey-dovey stages of a relationship, not for old jaded married couples. So, why am I bothering to bake all of these cupcakes at 10:30 at night?

1. For Deven, who is having a Valentine’s day party at school tomorrow. This is the first time he’s really going to get to experience the day with other people, and I want to prolong it beyond just school.

2. For Jackie as a ‘thank you’ for all of the Wednesday babysitting and delicious meals. And because she’s my only friend.

3. For me, because I want fucking cupcakes.

I’m angry with Vance right now, who is angry with me and avoiding me up in the bedroom. I’m downstairs with the cupcakes, doing the dishes, laundry, and the living room pickup. I asked him to do 2 of those 3 things today while I was at work. Yes, Deven had another shit episode this week up in his room, and I wasn’t home to help him deal with it. Yes, Deven continued to terrorize this house and everything living in it, but guess what? This  happens all of the time when I am at home alone with him. It’s not an excuse in my book. You can accomplish things with him being around and even acting up. I do it all. week.

I know I said I would stop ‘nagging’ him, but for him, I ask him to do something more than once, which yes does qualify as 5 times, but can also be as few as 2 times, and I am ‘nagging’ him. He doesn’t get that sometimes I need him to do something fairly soon for a reason, which means, yes, I am going to get upset and keep asking if he keeps putting it off throughout the day, or the week. That reason could be so I can cook dinner, or vacuum the living room, or whatever. The point being, I shouldn’t have to provide that explanation, and I shouldn’t have to keep asking. And I’m fucking so very tired of it.

All I want his help. You know what I am afraid of? In two months, there is going to be a new baby here. For the first 8 weeks it’s going to be me taking care of 2 kids, and all of the housework. And then I’m going to start working again, and I’m still going to be doing all of the housework and taking care of the kids. Not long after that, in the fall, I’m starting school backup again. Guess what? That’s more to add to my list of shit I am going to be responsible for. Right now I am not being given much reason to believe  it’s going to be otherwise.

I’m really overwhelmed. I feel like the future of this little family is on my shoulders right now. The entire reason I am going to school is so that we can be comfortable and buy a house, and not feel so trapped by our limited means. If I am making $50-60 grand a year, Vance will be able to go to school and do whatever he wants and not worry so much about making more than $40 grand himself. If I fail, than I’ll be letting 3 other people down, two of them are my kids.

I believe that if we sacrifice right now, there will be something amazing waiting for us when we finish this journey. Yes, working everyday sucks, not having weekends, or fulfilling social lives is terrible, and lonely, and BORING, but it’s what needs to be given up right now just so that we can have all of those things we want in the future.

I know that for him, we depend on him to keep us afloat. That’s why I don’t demand he does everything around the house, and I don’t demand that he keep working when he gets home. That’s why we agreed that there would be certain chores that each of us would do. And then I decided to kind-of let him off the hook a little on his end.

But what I don’t get is…

why does everything have to do depend on me again?

Growing pains

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I’m coming to you again at the last second from my bed. I’m exhausted. Today I felt huge and very pregnant, and got plenty of comments about my growing size and how often I eat. Seriously, all of the uncomfortable, horrible side effects of pregnancy are attacking with a vengeance this evening. I’m so not getting into detail.

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Deven was still sick this morning, so I kept him home. At around 9 or 10 we fell asleep all snuggly-like on the couch while watching The Cosby Show.

(Tell me that simply seeing that name doesn’t make that theme song automatically pop into your head.)

We napped, then I made Deven a sandwich in the shape of a star, and then he played on his ride-a-long while I cleaned the kitchen. He wasn’t any kind of trouble at all today. I didn’t have to send him to time-out once. Sick Deven is apparently too-weak-or-tired-to-drive-you-insane Deven. I feel awful for acknowledging that part of me that prefers sick Deven.

Well, okay, he didnt intentionally cause trouble, but there was, once again, some epic chaos right before I had to be at work. I won’t get into detail, but I will just say: poop was unleashed. That is all. Vance came home just in time to take over the clean-up so that I could get ready for work.

Oh, and then tonight we put off the bed routine waaay too long and he was a bit of a pain in the ass tonight after bath. He wouldn’t brush his teeth for much of anything except the opportunity to sleep with mommy and daddy and watch Adam Sandler movies. So right now he’s laying next to me and watching Click. He refused to watch 50 First Dates.

I took a positive step in the direction of finally posting those belly pics. I at least uploaded them to the downstairs computer. I’m just not down there right now, so hopefully I’ll post them to Flickr tomorrow. I don’t care enough right now. And I’m tired.