It really is.
Things here at the Gooderman household have not been peaceful or even just calm. We’re both super stressed because of this move, and because of the financial implications that it entails. We’re struggling even with Vance’s grandfather’s help, which without, none of this would have been in any way possible. Vance’s next paycheck will barely be able to cover the next month’s rent, and we will still have to pay 2 electric bills, car insurance, phone bills, etc. And I have personally managed to acquire $1800 worth of medical bills. Having a baby is EXPENSIVE.
Vance and I are handling our stress in different ways. I tend to put things aside and try to look on the bright side so I don’t end up falling apart, and Vance often can’t help but fall apart. The last 2 weeks living with him have not been easy. Vance is a Scorpio, which makes him intense and moody under normal circumstances, now just throw him into a stressful situation and you have a fire-breathing dragon on her menses with a urinary tract infection. Not fun.
He lashes out at me over the tiniest things, if I ask him to repeat himself, if I misunderstand a question, if I misplaced something, if I accidentally wake him up on a week night. He does this thing where he stumbles over his word and gets frustrated and starts pounding himself on the head. He’s been using any and every opportunity to talk down to me and call me stupid. I honestly don’t think he knows he is doing these things or that he is taking these condescending, pissy tones, because lately I have been snapping back and he takes such offense to this, like it’s completely unwarranted. Either that or he’s just a manipulative prick. It’s hard to tell a lot of the time.
I know he’s been stressed, I know the weight of the world is on his shoulders, but goddamn he has been hard to love lately.
Obviously, this isn’t the first time I have dealt with this side of Vance, far from it in fact. Ever since he quit taking anti-depressants his moods have been up and down. Vance isn’t bi-polar, it’s just his personality. His behavior is completely stable, it’s more of an anxiety problem. He has to drink himself to sleep to get through stress and his recent “theological meltdown”. I thought maybe his problems had plateaued, but he’s starting to decline again.
I don’t have the greatest self-esteem, but I never imagined being with someone who was like this. I imagined I would be with someone who was nice to me, and who would keep his rage in check and would worship me and wouldn’t constantly cause me to question my own intelligence. Vance’s intensity is awesome at times, but lately those times have been so seldom. I know I am supposed to take the good with the bad, but I don’t know if I can. And now is not the best time for a separation. I am constantly reminded, by Vance, that I don’t have a job or any way to support myself or Deven, so if we can’t get past this rough patch, I’m stuck.
I’m hoping to God that this vacation helps us. We haven’t taken more then a day to ourselves since Deven was born, we never even went on a honeymoon. Sure, it’s just San Antonio, an hour and half from here, but it’s 4 days with no work, no boxes to unpack, no having to worry about bills, just us and the sun. And possibly Dolphins.