Honestly, stress is getting the best of us.

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It really is.

Things here at the Gooderman household have not been peaceful or even just calm. We’re both super stressed because of this move, and because of the financial implications that it entails. We’re struggling even with Vance’s grandfather’s help, which without, none of this would have been in any way possible. Vance’s next paycheck will barely be able to cover the next month’s rent, and we will still have to pay 2 electric bills, car insurance, phone bills, etc. And I have personally managed to acquire $1800 worth of medical bills. Having a baby is EXPENSIVE.

Vance and I are handling our stress in different ways. I tend to put things aside and try to look on the bright side so I don’t end up falling apart, and Vance often can’t help but fall apart. The last 2 weeks living with him have not been easy. Vance is a Scorpio, which makes him intense and moody under normal circumstances, now just throw him into a stressful situation and you have a fire-breathing dragon on her menses with a urinary tract infection. Not fun.

He lashes out at me over the tiniest things, if I ask him to repeat himself, if I misunderstand a question, if I misplaced something, if I accidentally wake him up on a week night. He does this thing where he stumbles over his word and gets frustrated and starts pounding himself on the head. He’s been using any and every opportunity to talk down to me and call me stupid. I honestly don’t think he knows he is doing these things or that he is taking these condescending, pissy tones, because lately I have been snapping back and he takes such offense to this, like it’s completely unwarranted. Either that or he’s just a manipulative prick. It’s hard to tell a lot of the time.
I know he’s been stressed, I know the weight of the world is on his shoulders, but goddamn he has been hard to love lately.

Obviously, this isn’t the first time I have dealt with this side of Vance, far from it in fact. Ever since he quit taking anti-depressants his moods have been up and down. Vance isn’t bi-polar, it’s just his personality. His behavior is completely stable, it’s more of an anxiety problem. He has to drink himself to sleep to get through stress and his recent “theological meltdown”. I thought maybe his problems had plateaued, but he’s starting to decline again.

I don’t have the greatest self-esteem, but I never imagined being with someone who was like this. I imagined I would be with someone who was nice to me, and who would keep his rage in check and would worship me and wouldn’t constantly cause me to question my own intelligence. Vance’s intensity is awesome at times, but lately those times have been so seldom. I know I am supposed to take the good with the bad, but I don’t know if I can. And now is not the best time for a separation. I am constantly reminded, by Vance, that I don’t have a job or any way to support myself or Deven, so if we can’t get past this rough patch, I’m stuck.

I’m hoping to God that this vacation helps us. We haven’t taken more then a day to ourselves since Deven was born, we never even went on a honeymoon. Sure, it’s just San Antonio, an hour and half from here, but it’s 4 days with no work, no boxes to unpack, no having to worry about bills, just us and the sun. And possibly Dolphins.

Welcome back, Kotter!

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We’re for the most part moved in. We didn’t get everything we needed in one trip, since we have until the 31st to vacate the place entirely. We’ve been making almost daily trips to the old apartment to get the little things left behind. We still have yet to retrieve the cat.

The new place is beautiful. I’ve been in houses this big, and this is only half a house. The kitchen is spacey with plenty of cabinet space, the pantry is glorious, the yard is huge, the bedrooms (all 3 of them) are huge, and there is a corner half-bath by the kitchen. It’s makes me sad that we may have to leave in a year. The only way that would make me un-sad is if we were buying a house. I’m so sick of apartments.

I went to a party at my friend Liz’s tonight. I was a good girl and I didn’t drink, and I left at 10. I would have left sooner, but I wanted to see as many people as I could.  I still came home to a pissy Vance. I’m so sick of dealing with his grumpy ass. Seriously, I feel guilty no matter what I do, like I am constantly doing things wrong, committing these terribly selfish acts, and I am tired of it. If he wants to start bitching and acting like a goddamned titty baby, then he needs to lock himself in his room and stay there until he decides to act like an adult. I have one baby, and one is all I am willing to take care of for now. If he wants to be babied, he can move back in with his mom.

Seriously, he could have showered while the baby napped, which, by the way, he wasn’t supposed to do anyway.  Jackass.

Speaking of babies, I have to feed Deven and give him his bath.

Busy week

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I need a new layout, bad. Unfortunately with the impending move I have no idea when I will be able to get around to that. I don’t even know when I will be able to update again.

Moving is going…it’s certainly happening and I have no idea whether we’ll actually be ready for it when it does. I’ve packed about 15 or so boxes and Vance has packed…0. I win. It’s okay, his punishment will be to find the movers on short notice. I remember the last move, and I remember having to do everything since I wasn’t working and wasn’t going to be doing any physical labor.

Speaking of work, the bastards scheduled me Tues-Friday. I like having the weekends off, but that leaves me little time to get anything done. I need a new job so badly, but I don’t know of any other job that would be more laid back about my scheduling.

So for those of you wondering about my weekend, it was lots of fun. We spent the 4th getting drunk off cheap beer and wine, stuffing our faces with burgers and brisket, and setting off fire works in the middle of nowhere. Deven really enjoyed the fire works, didn’t freak out at the loud noises or the screaming and scattering. Loved the firetruck sirens.
Sunday ended up being more fun then I expected. Neither of us really cared about Soilent Green or Chimaira, so we decided, since we were in the warehouse district, to hit up a couple of bars. We went to Fado and ate some tiny sandwiches, and then we went to Ginger Man and sampled a couple of beers. I hate beer, so I had a glass of Woodchuck apple cider. The first couple of sips are so smooth, and delicious, but finishing the whole glass is a feat. It’s so dry and so very sweet…and I’m a Smirnoff drinker. I couldn’t finish it. But now I know there is some type of beer out there I can stand.

After we hit the bars we decided to head to the show. I wasn’t really all that enthused about the concert. The venue was so smelly and muggy, with no air ventilation what-so-ever. The women’s bathroom smelled like a gerbil’s cage. Seriously, like cedar chips and urine. I’m not a huge Metalocalypse/DethKlok fan. I liked the show at first, but it just got old after a while. Vance loves it, and I knew that if I didn’t go, he wouldn’t of and that would have made him sad. Hey, at least I got to see Brendon Small live.

I added a Bob Barr “banner” to my page. I stumbled across the NoBama ’08 site, and I thought it was a great idea, until I realized it was run by a bunch of McCain supporters. Someone needs to start a “NoBama/No McCain either” group. Get these people passionate about the shittiness of our Government and our equally shitty “alternatives”.
Bob Barr seems like a good candidate. I’m not nuts about his stance on Abortion, but that’s a pretty divided subject among Libertarians. I know based on his history as a former Republican Congressman that he’s not as forthcoming or consistent with his views as Ron Paul, but at least he admits he messed up. We have to be willing to take converts in to the movement. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be able to grow and spread the word. Now all we have to do is convince those democrats that Socialism hasn’t made anything better for anyone at any point in History.
Well, I have to go get ready for work. I have no idea whether I’ll get around to updating before or after the move, but I’ll continually update my twitter account. Peace.