It is amazing that, after the last 2 days, I am actually sitting here willingly writing a blog post.
Yesterday was horrible. It wasn’t supposed to be, and it certainly didn’t have to be, but it turned out that way. I did it all to myself because I must really, genuinely hate myself.
I got up yesterday with the intent of taking my c-test, which is basically the one and only exam you take in English Comp I. This is how the whole crazy grading system works: You have to write 5 assigned throughout the course, and on those papers you don’t actually get letter or number grades; your papers are either accepted, or need edits or revisions. Once you have written the first 4, you can take the c-test, which is where you sit in a computer lab and write an analytical paper in response to an article. On that, if the paper is accepted, you get a number grade. The number grade doesn’t really matter all that much, all that matters is the paper is accepted. If it isn’t accepted, you can take the test again. Once all of your 5 assigned papers are accepted and you have taken the c-test, you are basically done, and you have a c in the course. If your GPA matters to you, you can write 2 more papers to secure an A in the course.
My intention, at the very beginning, was to get an A. I had no idea what the hell I was getting myself into. I took English Comp I because it was a required course for my degree. I didn’t realize at the time, having not really participated in an actual high school English course, that I hated academic writing as much as I do. I am good at it, which feels good to say. My teacher has loved every paper I have turned in. I love that I am good at something I hate so much. I hate the expectations that are involved in academic writing; what you are writing has to adhere to a certain format. I love writing, hence why I have this blog, but I am definitely more a literary writer. I am naturally a bit more colloquial (in other words, I haven’t had much training.)
Anyway, I went to take my c-test on Saturday morning. On that day my paper 5 was also due, and was not finished. That was the first mistake I had made. My paper 5 was an issue-research paper, and the topic I had chosen was so much more difficult than I had imagined: paid organ donation. I was just going to take the test, which I had been told takes about 3 hours, and then come home and wrap the stupid paper up. I skimmed over a sample c-test, made sure I didn’t have too much to drink, and went for it.
The article I had been given was actually not that bad. It was extremely simple, but for some reason, I couldn’t wrap my head around identifying the organizational patters, or how to demonstrate the main purpose. I was extraordinarily overwhelmed. I went in at 11, thinking it wouldn’t take me until 4 to finish the stupid paper, but by 3 all I had was an introductory paragraph. Time was ticking and I had nothing. I didn’t know what else to do, so I handed in what I had, because the thought of having to sit in that room any longer made me crazy. I blew the c-test. That alone meant that any hope at getting an A in the course was shattered.
I didn’t have time to mope because my paper 5 was still due. I knew I couldn’t finish it on my own, so I went to my brother’s house and asked if he could help. My brother, if I haven’t already pointed this out before, is was one of greatest human beings alive. Seriously, he deserves a medal just for being who he is. He agreed to help me round up better sources than I had gathered. I thought we would have the paper done by 8 at the latest, but that wasn’t happening either. When it came to gathering sources for the arguments in opposition to Paid Organ Donations, there was next to nothing. What does that tell you? Thats a whole other blog post.
Anyway, I didn’t finish the paper until 1 am. AFTER the due date. So that’s blown.
All of this forced me to reevaluate my plans for this class. I decided to not pursue anything beyond a C in the class. I still need a lot of practice in analyzing articles, and I am not going to be ready in time to write the B paper. I was really devastated when I came to this realization. I had such high expectations for myself, as always, but I need to put some things into perspective. I hate writing papers, it’s almost ALWAYS torture for me. Why would I willingly put myself through more of this? At the end of the day, if I get a c in this class and a b in my math class, it really isn’t going to hurt my GPA that much. I will still have plenty of opportunities to bring that back up before I apply to the Sonography program. And really, does this grade change that my teacher liked my papers? Does it change anything in my life at all? Does it make me any less of a person? Does it really matter at all? No. Not in the least bit.
So there you have it.I am going to retake the c-test and be done with it. The relief is tremendous.