Rainy days are the bain of my existence.
The weather has a huge effect on my mood. If the weather is clear and sunny I have no problems getting things done with optimism and clarity. On those days I don’t mind it so much if I don’t leave my house, I don’t even think about the next day being the exact same. On gloomy days I am anxious and irritable and completely drained of energy, and I normally fail to find a point in getting off the couch. I have no patience when it comes to handling my son. The minutes feel like hours, and I am painfully aware that tomorrow is likely going to be the exact same as today.
Yesterday I didn’t feel as bad as today, and it was raining way harder. I guess that because I had a Doctor’s appointment, I felt like the day had a purpose. The appointment took up all of 45 minutes of that day, but every moment of the day up to it had been planned in preparation for leaving the house. I am to the point in my life that I am looking forward to Dr’s appointments and grocery shopping because it breaks up the week and makes it a little more exciting, even though there is nothing exciting about these everyday things.
The worst part is yesterday I had faith that today would better. Without any basis in fact, no weather report, nothing, I believed that the sun would come out today and I would be able to take Deven to the park, or go for a walk around the neighborhood, or just find some reason to want to do this another day. Looking outside the window this morning was just terribly disappointing, to say the least.
I think Deven feels this too. He is going after every little thing that he gets in trouble for just to see me get up and interact with him, even if all I am doing is getting up and yelling at him. I feel like the worst mother in the world because I resent him so much lately, and none of this is his fault. Sometimes I just want him to play by himself and behave, just so I can have a little time to myself where I can imagine not being here. I know he needs me, I know he is bored too and could probably use someone other than me from time to time, and be in some new setting to run around in and explore. I don’t know what to do. He’s being cheated out of having fun and he’s being cheated out of…well, me.
It’s not just today. I get this way from time to time because I feel like my entire life is being spent waiting around for things. I’m waiting for the weekend to come around because I’ve been invited to a wedding shower, I’m waiting for next Monday to come around because Deven has his ECI evaluation, and then his hearing test the following day, and then after that I’ll be waiting around for school to start. Nothing seems to fill in the days in between.
Just be patient, Janette. In June you’re gonna start school, and then in three years you’re going to have a job and wish you could be bored again.
What the hell do I do in the meantime?
I want more money so I can go shopping if I feel like it, that always makes me feel better.
I want to be able to hang out with any of my friends at any time without feeling guilty over it so I can have some human fucking contact and real adult conversation.
I want freedom. I want the freedom to say what I feel and have someone understand it. I don’t want to feel selfish or stupid for getting my feelings off my chest.
Someone, tell me what to do. Give me an idea. Anything.
If anyone tells me to get a job or clean the house I am going to just go ahead and leave. But don’t worry, I’ll do the dishes first.