Author Archives: admin

Pregnancy post pt I

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I’m 12 weeks and 2 days along today, and depending on what website or Doctor you consult, I may or may not be in the second trimester, which is the fun trimester. I’m going to say no, because judging by how I have been feeling over the last week, there is no fun to be had.
I am bloated, tired, grouchy, gassy, constipated, hungry, and nauseous at the SAME TIME. I hadn’t had any problems with nausea since about 7 weeks, except for the random, occasional nausea I would feel un-pregnant. And then over the last week, I have begun to feel sick right after breakfast. It’s nothing like how it was at the very beginning of this pregnancy when I was so sick and exhausted, all I wanted to do was dig a hole inside of my mattress and live inside of it until it was time to give birth. It’s just an uncomfortable bubbly feeling, which makes me think this nausea probably springs from bloating and my GI problems. It’s really just indigestion, but it’s still unpleasant. I’m thanking my lucky stars I’m not puking, and haven’t puked at all.
I’m also unable to fit into my un-pregnant pants, but still not really able to fit in my maternity pants. It’s not stopping me from wearing them, though! Having to pull my pants up every few minutes is better than having to cut my pants off of my fat thighs at the end of the day. I bought a pair of khaki corduroy maternity pants for work that have an elastic waistband, so they work great for right now, even if they are a little baggy around the… every-other area. On my off days, however, I vastly prefer yoga pants. I know they are a step away from black leggings, but they are comfortable and offer plenty of room to grow. I can wear whatever I want when I am sitting on my butt watching A&E on Netflix.

I am able to write this entire post about pregnancy is effecting me, but the truth is, this has yet to feel real. It still hasn’t sunk in that in about 6 months, there’s going to be another baby in this house. Right now it’s this weird physical condition that requires me to take care of myself differently, and make better dietary choices, but it’s still not because there’s a baby inside of me that’s growing to grow and take over the world when it’s born. Right now, with every thing that’s going on, I’m still not able to commit the time it would take to convince myself that in half a year, everything is going to change EVEN MORE.

I think I’m holding off on this revelation because it’s going to bring to the forefront the obvious truth that our three year desperately needs to be potty trained. Oh. Dear. GOD.

Tuesday I have an appointment for a NT screening, which means we will have new baby pictures to try and make this seem more real. For those of you hoping for belly pics: sorry. No camera. I’m trying my best to resolve this situation, I really am. Maybe I need to hop on the MS Paint bandwagon.

Therapy is hard

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I don’t believe I have mentioned on the blog yet that about 2 months ago, I started seeing a therapist. It’s always been something that I have been meaning to do, but for various reasons, like time availability and lack of a babysitter, I hadn’t been able to. It had become one of those things I would do later when I had become more established and settled in life. Then something happened. Someone from my past who hurt me pretty severely as a child tried to contact me. It brought up a lot of horrible repressed memories, and feelings of fear that I hadn’t felt since I was a child. I knew that the flashbacks and fear I was experiencing was a definite sign that I could no longer run away from or try to pack away the trauma from my past, that it was time to deal with it.

So far, I believe I have gotten a lot of my sessions with my therapist. She has taught me some really good techniques to help me deal with my anxiety that involve breathing and relaxation. During our sessions, I say what is on my mind, or whatever is bothering me, and she helps me to make sense of what is going on and why these feelings exist. Sometimes it’s more like I come in and just start talking about what is going on that day, other times I come in and she has a plan of attack. I don’t go in there and talk about the trauma that initiated this desire to pursue therapy directly every single day, because when we attempt that, my anxiety level sky rockets and come close to shutting down. We’re approaching that subject with subtlety, so that I don’t flip out all together.

I have a lot of experiences and feelings to cover in therapy. Some days when I come home from therapy, I feel really good and empowered, like I have just discovered something awesome about myself. Maybe something I have been feeling has been reaffirmed, or some days it just feels good to get something off my chest. But every day is not like this. As you can imagine, digging through your heart and brain and making revelations can be somewhat taxing and exhausting. Imagine if you had a lot of trauma from your past that you had never opened up about to anyone, even in a therapeutic setting. The sudden release of unacknowledged emotions and memories can be overwhelming. Some of the more immediate effects I feel when talking about something really unpleasant include dizziness and nausea. Thats right, sometimes talking about feeling sad and scared makes me feel like I am going to throw up. Purging all of those things that have lived inside of you for so long is not always a picnic.

What really gets me are the days like today. I felt fine going into therapy today, and then we got on the subject of my childhood and feelings of neglect, and I walked out of there feeling like total shit. S H I T. I am depressed and weepy all of a sudden, and I am completely emotionally and physically exhausted. Today’s session brought out feelings of anxiety, sadness, ANGER, frustration, regret…and I felt like I carried every single one of those emotions home with me. One thing that needs to be understood about therapy is that it is a process, like any other treatment program. It’s like a course of medication to treat a horrible disease that you’ve had since you were little and that you finally can cure. There are some days when taking the medication makes you feel better, like the medication is really working to get rid of that disease!  Other days, you feel almost worse than you did before, like the treatment has stopped working. In reality, purging the pathogen is more work than your body has ever had to do, and the treatment HURTS. The medication is doing it’s job, and it’s just some days your body is taking it harder than others. Thats therapy. My head and heart ache today because the therapy is working. I spent so long running away and ignoring the feelings that were troubling me. Now that I am in therapy, I can bring those feelings to the surface. I can deal with them, no matter how bad it hurts.

I remember someone once told me that when you finally deal with all of those traumas from your past that have been holding you back, you finally find out who you really are. I think more than anything, that is what I hope to gain from all of this. That, and not feeling so afraid anymore.

Longest. Week. Ever.

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Today was Deven’s birthday party. Words cannot describe the relief that a) it has ended, b) that there were no casualties, and c) that there is a ton of new stuff to keep Deven and mommy entertained :)

This entire week has been hectic. I have yet to really get a chance to sit down and reflect on everything. There are still things on my list of shit that HAS to get done this week that have yet to be fulfilled.
Let me break it down:< /p>

Sunday: First exam in Medical Terminology. Has to be taken on site. I didn’t do it on Saturday for whatever reason, waited until the next-to-the-last second to take it. I drove the entire way to the campus not realizing that I had a FLAT TIRE. I was close to driving on the rim when I finally made it to school. My brother came to the rescue with a can of Fix-A-Flat. Was very cynical about the effectiveness of product. He was right; tire was COMPLETELY FLAT by the time I got home. Angry husband put on a spare. Gave darling wife a good scolding.
Several hours later, transformer explodes somewhere on the other side of the freeway, POWER GOES OUT IN THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD. We contemplate eating our pets. Luckily for them, power came back on a few hours later.

Monday: Discount Tire gets us a new tire with a factory rebate. Deven’s birthday money bought a new tire for mommy’s van >:/
There goes the plan of buying presents AND groceries this week.

Tuesday: WCLP meeting at Mangia’s pizza. Worst. Dining. Experience. EVAR. That alone was insanely stressful.

Wednesday: Begin training videos at “new” job. There are 9 of them, they are an hour long EACH, and they are interactive. All of those other important things that need my attention, like lectures for SCHOOL, suddenly find themselves forgotten at the bottom the totem pole.

Thursday: Deven’s birthday! Took him to Build-a-Bear. Deven wouldn’t concentrate long enough to choose a damn bear. He threw an epic screaming fit because mommy couldn’t afford a ride on the mall train. We ate lunch, Deven’s behavior improved. Went back to Build-a Bear, Deven chose a Panda! On the way out of the mall, Deven spots balloons in the mall Dentist’s office. Threw another screaming fit, but somehow convinces the receptionist to let him have a yellow balloon. We leave the mall. All is well. Pizza for dinner courtesy of Uncle Bo.
Let it be known that plans and toddlers DON’T MIX.

Friday: the day before Deven’s party. Still haven’t done an official head count of guests, still haven’t found party decorations, still havent cleaned anything in my house, still havent finished training videos, still haven’t bought a damn cake. Deven has a doctor’s appointment. I leave early hoping we’ll be able to get party supplies before the appointment. We take two steps into Party City, Deven sees balloons and starts SCREAMING thinking I will get him one. We turn right around and leave. I want to cry because I can’t get anything done with him. We get to the Doctor. I am secretly hoping he gets a shot as retribution for being a butt the last couple of days. He gets 2 shots, I die a little on the inside when he starts crying. I cuddle him. He’s still my baby. Doctor tells us Deven is still delayed (another post ENTIRELY) and is very short, 5th percentile for height. We are told to contact the elementary school, and are given a referral to see an orthopedist. Later that evening, after a horribly ineffective nap, I get to drive in the rain to retrieve a last minute cake. Mother in law arrives to save the day.

Today: Party day! Nothing is ready. We still need to buy the party supplies and go by the toy store before the party, but we are late heading out the door. I don’t get to the party site until an hour before the party. None of the decorations are cut out, let alone ready. I still have to get the pizza. Vance and Deven are late and don’t get there in time to help. My dad, step mom, and brother arrive before they do, and end up helping with the decorations. The party begins. There are tons of people. Deven got tons of great gifts. We got to hang out with family and friends. We are really blessed.

Tomorrow is the first at my job. I am going to be EXHAUSTED. All of that running around and there will be 0 chance of working a nap in there.
Rush is on Thursday, and since Vance’s mom will be watching him, we decided it would be easiest for her to just take him for the week. This gives me a lot of necessary time to catch up on everything (like school and sleep), but after a pretty much completely Deven-oriented week, it’s going to be weird and a little lonely without him here. There is going to be all of these toys all around us that we were going to play with together, and he’s not going to be here. Also, and this is going to sound a little strange and irrational (pregnancy), my big boy JUST turned 3, and a part of me feels like I don’t get to feel out this new age. He’ll still be 3 when he gets back, I guess.
What am I doing? I need to hit the hay. Sleep has been really hard to come by these days