Another exhausting night. I’m letting Deven sleep in our bed again, because he is cute and a good sleeper. I am hoping this decision will not bite me in the ass tomorrow night when he has to sleep in his own bed.

I am so all about my kid lately. I think it’s probably pregnancy, or maybe it’s just that he’s so damn cute. Today we discovered that he can count in the teens and is learning to count in the twenties. And he sings these adorable songs that he sings at the beginning of the day at school. Guys, he’s LEARNING things! He’s going to be an actual kid soon, not just an adorable toddler.

Anyway, I told you I would deliver to you the harrowing tale of my 1 hour gestational diabetes test, so here it goes:

I had been slightly concerned about my upcoming 1 hr glucose tolerance test because when I was pregnant with Deven, it was not a positive experience. I went into it not expecting anything. I fasted for 12 hrs on little sleep, drank nothing but water, gave them 2 vials of blood, and then drank the glucola (nasty sugary drink given specifically for this test.) I felt fine until about 45 minutes into the test, then things started to go down hill. I started feeling jittery, which was to be expected, since the only thing I had consumed in 12 hours was a straight shot of sugar. And then I started feeling hot, sweaty, dizzy, and NAUSEOUS. I thought it would be a good idea to head to the bathroom. No one wants to throw up in a waiting room full of pregnant women. Instead of vomiting when I got to the bathroom, I passed out on the floor. When I woke up, the nauseous feeling had, for the most part, gone away, and I was just feeling weak. I was really wobbly, and slimy; Like jell-o. Yes, my entire body felt like jell-o. They drew my last 2 vials of blood, and I was out for the rest of the day. I remember taking Phenergan and eating Jack in the Box and sleeping it off until the sun had gone down

So, This was one of those memories that don’t get erased as soon as your child is born and you see his beautiful face. I may not have a full grasp on how much it sucked to push him out, but holy shit, I remember that god awful test. This time around, I told my Doctor about my concerns, and she told me that the main reason that women get sick is because they are inundating their systems with ridiculous amounts of glucose on an empty stomach. Of course, in my head, I was thinking “NUH-UH, DUMMY, IT’S THE NASTY DRINK. You Doctors don’t know NOTHING.” She told me I could either take the test later, like 4 hours after my first meal, or I could replace the drink with 1/2 a banana. So naturally, I took the second option.

I drove myself to the test with my banana and my kindle, thinking this was going to be a breeze. I was going to take the test and it was going to be no. big. deal. I ate the banana like it was the most delicious thing ever, saw my Doctor, and then settled into the waiting room for the remainder of my hour.

And at about 50 minutes in, I started feeling jittery again. And then hot. Then nauseous. What. the. FUCK?

I ran towards the bathroom, and on the way alerted the nurses that I did not feel well, and promptly collapsed on the bathroom floor AGAIN. This time, however, I never lost consciousness. I just laid on the floor and moaned and blubbered, and sent a text to Vance that read “COME GET ME.” The familiar jell-o feeling had returned.

A bunch of nurses and medical assistants came into the bathroom and surrounded me with cold towels and snacks. They helped me into an exam room where they were able to lay me down and get only half the blood they needed (I’m going to give the rest at my next appointment.) Vance came and picked me up, and they had to wheel this giant women-shaped-jello-mold to Vance’s car, because I was too god-damned weak to WALK MYSELF.

I had, rather foolishly, believed that the problem with the test was that the evil Doctors were making you drink something completely unnatural, that was just straight lab-made sugar, and that’s why I got so sick the first time. I totally didn’t buy the Doctor, with her years of clinical experience, and hours-worth of data research on the subject, when she told me, “hell-o, consuming nothing but sugar on an empty stomach makes you feel like shit.” I thought that since I ate tons more than that in the morning after fasting all night, that I would be fine. But the BIG difference is, bananas and glucola have nothing to them except sugar and carbs, and the average breakfast contains other complex carbs and proteins that help counter the effects of all that sugar. Doctors are smart, you guys. Who the fuck knew?

It threw me a curve ball. I can’t even get through the sensations produced by a sudden spike in my blood sugar, how am I going to push a baby through my vagina without pain medicine?

I have a lot to the consider about my body and what I am capable of handling. Some encouraging words would be nice right about now.

For now, its time for bed. Night all.