Yes, I hate Valentine’s day. It’s a holiday for kids and for people who are in the early lovey-dovey stages of a relationship, not for old jaded married couples. So, why am I bothering to bake all of these cupcakes at 10:30 at night?
1. For Deven, who is having a Valentine’s day party at school tomorrow. This is the first time he’s really going to get to experience the day with other people, and I want to prolong it beyond just school.
2. For Jackie as a ‘thank you’ for all of the Wednesday babysitting and delicious meals. And because she’s my only friend.
3. For me, because I want fucking cupcakes.
I’m angry with Vance right now, who is angry with me and avoiding me up in the bedroom. I’m downstairs with the cupcakes, doing the dishes, laundry, and the living room pickup. I asked him to do 2 of those 3 things today while I was at work. Yes, Deven had another shit episode this week up in his room, and I wasn’t home to help him deal with it. Yes, Deven continued to terrorize this house and everything living in it, but guess what? This happens all of the time when I am at home alone with him. It’s not an excuse in my book. You can accomplish things with him being around and even acting up. I do it all. week.
I know I said I would stop ‘nagging’ him, but for him, I ask him to do something more than once, which yes does qualify as 5 times, but can also be as few as 2 times, and I am ‘nagging’ him. He doesn’t get that sometimes I need him to do something fairly soon for a reason, which means, yes, I am going to get upset and keep asking if he keeps putting it off throughout the day, or the week. That reason could be so I can cook dinner, or vacuum the living room, or whatever. The point being, I shouldn’t have to provide that explanation, and I shouldn’t have to keep asking. And I’m fucking so very tired of it.
All I want his help. You know what I am afraid of? In two months, there is going to be a new baby here. For the first 8 weeks it’s going to be me taking care of 2 kids, and all of the housework. And then I’m going to start working again, and I’m still going to be doing all of the housework and taking care of the kids. Not long after that, in the fall, I’m starting school backup again. Guess what? That’s more to add to my list of shit I am going to be responsible for. Right now I am not being given much reason to believe it’s going to be otherwise.
I’m really overwhelmed. I feel like the future of this little family is on my shoulders right now. The entire reason I am going to school is so that we can be comfortable and buy a house, and not feel so trapped by our limited means. If I am making $50-60 grand a year, Vance will be able to go to school and do whatever he wants and not worry so much about making more than $40 grand himself. If I fail, than I’ll be letting 3 other people down, two of them are my kids.
I believe that if we sacrifice right now, there will be something amazing waiting for us when we finish this journey. Yes, working everyday sucks, not having weekends, or fulfilling social lives is terrible, and lonely, and BORING, but it’s what needs to be given up right now just so that we can have all of those things we want in the future.
I know that for him, we depend on him to keep us afloat. That’s why I don’t demand he does everything around the house, and I don’t demand that he keep working when he gets home. That’s why we agreed that there would be certain chores that each of us would do. And then I decided to kind-of let him off the hook a little on his end.
But what I don’t get is…
why does everything have to do depend on me again?