Dude, I’m so pissed right now, I can’t even…I just can’t.
I’m going to make a quick rant about my college experience this semester, and how it is making me fucking crazy, and probably not at all helping my whole stress-ulcer situation. I’m going to warn you ahead of time: I’m angry, so there will be lots and lots of swearing.
My history class sucks balls. Basically, you can’t make a B in the class without reading a boring “scholarly” book and writing a paper on it. I’m not convinced it is possible to make an A, even if you get a good enough topic together. Why, you ask? You have to do the A objective, which is a paper, and get at least an 80 on all 4 tests, and that is fucking impossible. The teacher doesn’t offer any kind of study guide for the tests, so you have no idea what to expect. You just get to study the 4 chapters and hope to God you remember the right stuff. I took the first test today, and of course, I didn’t even remember reading about half of the stuff on the test. THE FUCK, MAN?
And because someone fucked up with textbooks, we didn’t even have lectures until, like, 10 days before the first test. And then the test wasn’t even available to take until 2 days before it was due. And then, AND THEN, if you wanted to get an A, you had better have your A- objective proposal ready to send to the teacher TOMORROW, that is, if you were able to get at least an 80 on that test that wasn’t available until yesterday. And if you did, FUCK YOU.
So yea. Not happy.
I’m also taking Intro to Computing, which is required for my degree. It’s distance learning, so I already have to know how to use a computer in order to sign up and take the class that is going to teach me how to use a computer. Academia is such bullshit.
Is it just me, or is True Blood getting kind of ridiculous?
1. Why do the most heinous things happen to Tara, and why doesn’t someone just kill her already?
2. Does anyone actually care enough about Arlene and Terry to warrant an entire WTF storyline? I already don’t care. I don’t know what happened, and I don’t want to know. It’s taking away from the story lines people actually care about.
3. So, A.Balls, how is it that this entire time there was this other person in Eric’s past that has this ability to cause him to pitch an epic trouser tent upon first sight, and we’re only now just learning about her? And yeah, they’re vampire siblings, or whatever, built-in fuck buddies and nothing more, but was it necessary to have our first introduction to that character be an overly long/graphic sex scene? Do you really need to resort to that kind of shock value?
Oh wait. Last season included a sex scene in which overly-emotional Bill made his lover look into his eyes THE HARD WAY. Good thing she was already dead!
4. Look up pictures of Lucy Griffiths and tell me that is the same person. What kind of magic did they use? CGI, or is that all lighting/incredibly hot Swede? I’m going to be overly critical here and say she is cute. For a normal girl. Not anywhere near the “intimidatingly beautiful” Nora described by the writers. Not nearly hot enough to be drilled from behind up against a warehouse wall by Alexander Skarsgard. Nope. Not at all.
When I hear this song, no matter what I am doing, no matter how hard I resist, I start to shake. Tears start rolling down my cheeks. I can’t fight it, there is absolutely no point. I can only try to ignore it, and continue doing whatever it is I am doing. If I’m doing something like feeding my toddler, then I just soldier on, my face puffy and wet with tears.
It’s a beautiful and intensely emotional song, but it’s affect on me so unique and powerful.
This song came out in 2004 at a time when I was in the middle of the most intense grief I have ever and hope to ever have to experience. My mother passed away at the end of 2003, and after that my life spiraled into chaos. I didn’t grieve for the first 6 months after she passed because I was too busy trying to survive, trying to keep from becoming a beggar on the street. I had finally settled down enough that I could begin to feel the weight of everything that had happened to me. I had moved into my brother’s house where there were pictures of my mother everywhere, the furniture that had once occupied her home now filled his. I couldn’t avoid it any longer.
And then there was this song. There are so many beautiful songs, with beautiful melodies, sung with rich, dramatic voices that have lyrics that mean nothing to me. Just about every verse in this song reflected exactly how I was feeling.
I’m so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave Your presence still lingers here and it won’t leave me alone
These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real There’s just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have all of me
The second verse is my grief personified. I couldn’t escape the dreams that would leave me so crestfallen when I would wake up. She’s really gone. She’s not coming back. I don’t possess the kind of faith or optimism to believe that she was visiting me in my dreams. It was just cruel games my mind would play.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light Now, I’m bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
Amy Lee is probably talking about a close friend, or for all I know, it’s not even about a person at all. It could be about a cat or a really good bottle of champagne she was saving for something special. Or it could all be bullshit, and she just wrote it based on how she would imagine that kind of loss would feel. I don’t know. Art never means the same thing to every person. People pull from it what they will.
This song doesn’t remind me of my mom. When I think of my mom, I think of something like The Bodyguard soundtrack, or Celine Dion’s Falling Into You. This song reminds me of the feeling of grief. It was like being blanketed with steel chains. I didn’t have the strength to fight it off, I would just collapse under the weight. There were times when it was the furthest away in my mind, and it didn’t bother me. And then some days it would just consume me.
It’s been 8 years. I avoided that song for years because of how I felt when I listened to it. Now, I want to enjoy the song. I’ve been listening to it more and more to trying and desensitize myself because it is a great song. I don’t like Evanescence at all, really. They first came out when dark “goth” style rock was gaining a bit of mainstream success, and I mean a minimal amount of mainstream success. At that time, I was exposed to bands like Lacuna Coil, and when given the choice, I went straight for the less popular, darker, more goth Lacuna Coil. This song is Evanescence’s one redeeming success. It’s haunting and affecting, and Amy Lee’s voice is so emotional and so strong and so beautiful. She pours everything she has to give into this song. And it leave me in tears.
I don’t get the video though. The whole faery-lying-around-in-ballet-slippers-thing is just them capitalizing on the whole goth thing, and it’s so contrived and just so bad.
I can fight back some of the tears now if I try, but I usually I don’t. I am somewhat comforted by going back to that time. I look at my life now, and it is so different, and I am so far removed from that grief. I don’t ever not miss my mom, but I am not consumed by that loss anymore. Sometimes I feel guilty for not missing her as much as I used to, but I am so relieved to have moved on. I have beautiful children and a husband and so much now. It sucks so much that she isn’t a part of it, that life goes on and the world continues to revolve without her here. Thats the way it happens, and I don’t believe she would have it any other way.
The last part of the song, I don’t know it’s a bridge, or another verse, I am not sure. I am not a music person, just an avid listener and enjoyer of music. BUT there is a bit of an emotional disconnect at this part: I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone But though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along
You can feel it when it comes from her, but I was lucky. I was never alone. I always had a shoulder, or a lap to lay my head upon. I had my friends, and my brother to share my grief with. Now I have Vance to unload upon, and I have my kids. I can tell them everything about her. I have never really been alone, and I am so grateful for that.