It’s sad that I am inspired to update my blog after many months by something awful.
The truth is I have been busy. Very busy. The kind of busy that completely sucks every iota of inspiration and motivation and creativity right out of one’s being. I’ve been busy working, going to school, raising two kids, worrying about money, thinking about the future, feeling insecure, not sleeping. With all of this, something had to give.
And it did.
I’d working at my job for about 6 months. I told myself I could do it all; I could get good grades, and I could excel at my job. I had been thinking about homeschooling, and Vance and I started talking about buying a plot of land and plopping an ugly temporary “manufactured home” on the property until we could afford to build a nicer home. But the truth is my grades have been just okay, my parenting has been despicable, and I downright sucked at my very demanding life-suck of a job. So it turns out I’m human.
On Wednesday my boss attempted to demote me. I say “attempted” because after I pointed out that I can’t afford to work for less than what I am being paid, her heart grew a couple of sizes and she convinced her boss to transfer me to a lower-volume restaurant. Thats fine. This is actually almost exactly what happened to me before when I worked for the same boss, except she didn’t offer to transfer me, she just said, “demote,” and I said, “fuck you” and left. It’s amazing how short people’s memories tend to be. I totally forgot what it was like to work for this person and she totally forgot how big of a pain in the ass I tend to be.
It’s okay, it really is, because I still have my job, it’s just going to be somewhere else. After this happened the last time, I went to work at a different store, and got promoted. So maybe I just can’t handle working at the busiest store in the Austin market, and maybe she just can’t handle the threat of someone fucking with her bonuses. That I can totally understand.
It still sucks. I still feel like I failed. I also feel incredible betrayed. I pointed out to her during the “meeting” that she never once talked to me about what was going on, or what could happen if things didn’t change. She claims that she did, but she is full of shit. Not-a-once was there a formal discussion about the depths of my failures. The other managers also knew what was going on and not a one of them warned me either. Knowing the way things work there, they all dug up their own evidence, whispered behind my back, and contributed their own details that would lead to my downfall. That is how it has always happened at that shit hole. But the worst part? How we all pretend to be friends. Last time I checked, friends don’t fuck each other over, they help each other out. The fact that none of them attempted to discuss things with me, that they all started acting differently around me really just speaks to their awful characters. I’m not afraid to burn these bridges, or to say that every single one of them is dead to me now.
Is that dramatic?
I wish I could say it all ended there, but it didn’t. I also decided to drop a class halfway through the semester. That is my fourth withdrawal, which means I only have two left in my entire academic career. Two.
That decision was a bit complicated. My grade in the class was pretty terrible, and I couldn’t sit with it. The problem was that the class was so very work-intensive that I couldn’t do half of the work before the deadlines. I just didn’t have the time. Now we are on the last big assignment, and I just can’t pull everything together to finish it. I’m going to retake the class near the end of my associate’s degree and nail the shit out of it, but for now, there was just no way it could be done. I have way overworked myself, I have stepped over my limit.
The stress is horrible. I’ve been depressed, and anxious, and I’ve been short-tempered with my kids, and I hate it. I wish I knew what to do. I need help in some form or another, in the form of medication, or therapy, or even just a babysitter. If we could find a babysitter twice a week to come in and watch the kids while I focused on other things, or focused on nothing at all by myself, that would be amazing. It would help so much.
But in the mean time, I still have a job and a class to focus on. Life resumes tomorrow. I have a paper and an exam due on Tuesday, and whether or not we move into a house, we still need to get ready to move in two months. Archer’s birthday is in a week and a half. I’m trying to find a different non-management job. I just need to look around and focus on the positive things going on in my life, no matter how difficult they are to find.
I wish life could be simple again. I miss being a housewife who took classes in the evenings. Things were so much easier to understand.