The best part of waking up is the belligerent rage

I am SO ANGRY in the mornings. Seriously, as I am walking my son into the school cafeteria in the morning, I am entertaining elaborate fantasies of beating the shit out of strangers who don’t thank me for holding the door open, or for walking to slow, or for just existing in the same space as me. That isn’t healthy. It can’t be.

And I wish I could say that is where it begins and ends, but that would be a lie. I am so short tempered in the mornings from the minute that alarm goes off at 6 am, and poor Deven is the one who most of the rage is dumped onto. If he takes a second too long to get dressed or brush his teeth or do anything, you would swear by the volume and tone of my voice that he just set the damn house on fire. But he didn’t, and that’s not right that he has to deal with this.

This morning Vance got up late and spent 40 minutes in the bathroom taking a shit and I screamed at him so loud, I swear the neighbors down the street could hear it.

I have an idea of what is going on. For one, I haven’t been myself since my last bout of faulty fertility, and that has definitely made things worse. (I can’t wait for this cycle to end so I can figure out what is going on with my hormones.) But I can’t deny this has been going on for a while. If you go back a few posts  I talk about the link between my recent depression and my early mornings. I think the depression I’ve been experiencing  has, in fact, become worse. I obviously need to address this problem before everyone around me rightfully decides to leave.

Its not just that I am morning-intolerant, its also that I have lately been feeling I am just stuck here in this house all day just waiting for something neat to happen. Like I stare at the sink and the stove wanting them to do tricks. Since Vance started this job, I feel like my time has been taken away from me. I used to be able to go and out and experience things and people, and now those moments have become so few and so precious. I love my kids and being home with them, but being around them all the time is stressful and exhausting and often times not fun.

Its especially been tough because for the last several days I have spent a good part of it awash in Goo-B-Gone used to clean fresh crayon markings off the walls.

So I guess today I am going to call my insurance company and find out what kind of coverage I can expect for treatment. I was hoping to be spending my money and time on prenatal visits, not this.

On “privilege”

The internet is breaking my brain and killing my soul. I need to lay off of it for a bit. Really, everyone does. People are going onto forums and comment sections and saying things they wouldn’t dare say to someone’s face, and then arguments begin, and one angry and very tired lady goes on a late night rant on her personal blog. Its madness.
Plain and simple, no one should ever be shut down because they are born a certain way or into certain circumstances. We all at face value agree with that. It cuts both ways though; that also means that we shouldn’t invalidate a person’s opinion or feelings just because they weren’t born into an oppressed group or on the fringes of society either. Its not “reverse discrimination” either; discrimination is discrimination is discrimination. Doesn’t matter who it is coming from or who it is directed towards. If you are looking at someone and telling them they don’t get to be apart of the discussion because of certain characteristics they have or don’t have, you are practicing discrimination. “Discrimination” is not objectively good or bad, it just is. It becomes a bad thing when you are using it to exclude an individual or invalidate them.
There is this newly established concept of “privilege” (admittedly not new at all, but is becoming a hot-button term on social networks. Think along the lines of “rape culture”) that basically says because you appear to not have been born on the fringes of society or apart of a once or currently oppressed group, your life has been easy, you were obviously born wealthy or middle-class, and have never suffered, and therefore could not possibly have enough understanding of the subject to base a solid opinion. There are SO MANY THINGS wrong with this:
1) People are SO JUDGMENTAL. You don’t know that individual’s relationship with the subject at hand. You might AT MOST be able to observe their profile picture. You don’t know what they’ve been through in their life, or if they’ve taken the time to observe, study, or think about the topic at hand. They might know more about it than you. YOU DON’T KNOW. And whats worse is that no one takes the time to find out.
2) “Popular opinions” are taken as facts. I’m not just talking about the definitions of words, though that does appear to be a problem, but I mean almost no logical process seems to be placed in the formation of these opinions, and some of them are based in out-right misinformation. Here is an example: Trayvon Martin case. Everyone kept talking about “Stand your Ground” when it was never even mentioned during the trial and did not play the smallest part in the final verdict. Didn’t stop people from throwing it around or forming their opinions about Florida, not that they needed any additional help when it comes to looking bat-shit insane. People use hot-button words without knowing what they mean and tend to hilariously misuse them. Its like people take pride in ignorance and not thinking for themselves, only it has to be the “right side” of ignorance. I have no idea why, and it bothers me. I am the human embodiment of Unpopular Opinion Puffin, so I can’t relate at all. I have never been one to take on an opinion just to go along with the crowd.
3) No one should ever, ever be made to feel bad for being born into any circumstances, whether it be behind iron gates or onto an open battlefield. No one asked to be born, let alone to be born white or black or gay, so why are we going to shame them for it? It completely disregards the individual experience, which is in my opinion, the biggest invalidation there is. Way to encourage equality: Nothing you say matters because of things about you that are completely out of your control.

Bottom line: Stop telling people that their opinions don’t matter because they’re of a certain race and (perceived) economic class. Stop telling them they owe something to the world because they have things others don’t. Just. Stop. It just makes you sound incredibly judgmental and willfully ignorant.

Again, these are not things I have ever encountered in my day-to-day life, not even in college, where I am sure the seeds of these thoughts were first planted in the mind of an idealistic sophmore art major. I saw all of this on the internet, mostly on Tumblr, and definitely somewhere on Huffpost. It is so beyond fascinating how the internet is adding this new element to communication and the way we relate to one another. Even the shitty parts are amazing to think about.
I wouldn’t feel so passionate about these things and I wouldn’t get so offended if I didn’t spend so much time on the internet. I need to have an off-day. My house is pretty filthy. Thanks internet.

An entire post dedicated to being annoyed

WARNING: If you don’t like it when people complain, this post ain’t for you. Also, I have noticed that the people who typically say “I HATE COMPLAINERS” are usually the biggest complainers around. They usually just are entirely self-absorbed and have no sympathy for other people’s problems. They also have horrible insight into themselves and lack the ability to reflect on their own behavior. Don’t be that guy. Because I obviously complain, I have no problem hearing people complain and whine. Your life isn’t always great, and you have the right to express it. BITCH AWAY, BITCHES.

But this is my forum, therefore my place to complain, AND COMPLAIN I WILL.

I am annoyed. So very annoyed.  Here’s why:

  • I have a cold. I caught it from Deven, who had said cold at the same time as the stomach flu. POOR. KID. I luckily missed the vomiting, which is amazing considering what I had to go through last week. I just knew as soon as I realized Deven was sick that I was going to get the cold. I always catch the colds that come through here. Always. But it could be worse. If I had to choose between frequent colds and frequent stomach bugs, you better believe I would take the frequent colds.
  • The kids are healthy, finally, but since they spent the entire week lounging around in the living room being miserable, they now want to catch up on all the activity they missed out on during the week. I’m here with two hyper kids, while my throat throbs and I am forced to swallow buckets of snot thanks to my unrelenting post-nasal drip. Deven has asked me at least 5 times today what fun things we have planned for the day, and I have begged him at least as many times to please go easy on mommy, as she is sick and tired and broke.
  • THE KICKER: we have no money. This one KILLS ME. We were doing SO GOOD last month! We sent a shit ton of money to our credit card last month, starting a savings account, and then February, a short dick-head of a month rolls around, and brings terrible sickness, tragedy, and money-sucking injury to our possessions. Here’s why:

1. Vance got sick and had to take 3 days off from work. He was able to use sick days so he was still getting paid, but that is still 3 days of lost money-making opportunity, the same opportunity that was so helpful last month. He is capable of making upwards of $400 in a single day.

2. I had to visit my doctor to address my health problems, and that was almost $300, gone in a damn instant. I’m grateful to get the hormone panel and to find some piece of mind in all of this, but…geez.

3. Our car had to have the brakes AND rotors replaced, aaallll four, so that was $600, most of which we don’t actually have. We paid half directly out of our checking account this week, and the rest went on the credit line we were so close to paying off. We are flat. broke.

4. Because of my health concerns and desire to get pregnant, I had to purchase health insurance. Vance’s company is being totally bullheaded about covering its employees family members, including children, and basically denied all of us, except for Vance, because of paperwork issues. I’m grateful the healthcare.gov website was able to aggregate all of these plans and make it somewhat easier to find and choose a plan (I was not paid to say this, I promise), however I was not thrilled with having to fork over $200 every month for the blessed privilege of paying a $6000 deductible, lest I get stuck with a fine. Nothing about it is fair. Either way, this asshole here is being separated from her money, and she is not happy about it in the least bit.

It is going to take a few weeks to catch up again, and to work this new bill into our budget. The thing with Vance’s job is that nothing is consistent. He stayed in training for a lot longer than expected because they wanted to keep these new guys working during the slow periods. Things can be super busy and awesome one month, and then the next could be full of days where he is only making $150, mostly helping on bigger jobs assigned to other people. We have to find a way to be prepared for that, and unfortunately, we might not have that much time to prepare before things start slowing down.

All of this is just weighing so heavily on my mind today. I just want a week of everyone being healthy, the outlook being positive, and things being easy for a change. Obviously, we have a lot to be grateful for, and I try to be, but there are days when you can’t help but wonder which powerful, invisible entity we’re pissing off, you know?