Thankful in 2014

I bitch a lot on this site, I know. I don’t update often, but when I do, it is normally something negative. That can’t be fun to read. People don’t want to inundated with negativity every day even if that is all they seem to want to spew on the internet. Because I don’t want to be a perpetual Negative Nancy, I’ve decided I want to post something positive for a change.

I know Thanksgiving is exactly one week from today, but if I were to wait for next week, I might not get around to it. I might be a little busier than usual. And you know when you feel so positive and happy at one given moment, you have to seize the opportunity to express it? You know, before something gets spilled, or you get a terrible phone call, or a fight breaks out, or you just forget? Well, I don’t want to forget. So here, a week ahead of time, are some things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.

1. My home. My home isn’t much. It isn’t fancy or expensive, or even on a permanent foundation. It’s small. The entire thing shakes during our washing machine rinse + spin cycle. But its ours. We live in it. We pay for it. There is escrow involved. It is fully furnished and decorated, something I frequently went without growing up. I resented it and swore things would be different when I had my own home. I am an adult now and I am officially able to provide something integral to my own children that I missed out on growing up. Thats pretty fantastic. There is always food in it, it is always comfortable, and it is always full of love. It’s not a dream home, but it is a damn good start.

2. My husband. He’s my partner, my best friend. He drives me absolutely insane some days, but I would not be able to do any of the things I do without his help and support. I really feel like he has taught me so much about myself and the world around me since we started dating almost 10 years ago. I can only hope that I’ve done the same thing for him. He’s an awesome daddy and provider and partner and he makes my world an infinitely better place.

3. My husband’s job. Point blank, without his hard work and dedication, we wouldn’t have any of the things we have today. This past year since he became employed at this job, things have become substantially more comfortable. We’ve been able to own our home, put food on the table, and even expand our family. We’re still working things out, but we are getting so much closer to our goals now than we have ever been. Some things come on their own time with lots of patience and hard work.

4. My babies. Where do I even begin with this one? They are the reason I get up in the morning. They are the reason that I do anything. My heart grew a little more with each of them, and it continues to grow each day. They have such unique and fun little personalities and talents and they amaze me every single day. Deven is incredibly smart and artistic, and none of his abilities has gone unrecognized by his teacher. He LOVES school and is doing so well. Archer is only 3 and is obsessed with music and building his own drum sets and turning just about anything he finds into a guitar. I don’t know this little one inside of me yet. We aren’t even 100% sure of what we are going to call him, but I know he’s going to be just as special and just as loved.

5. Just family in general. Life would be really lonely if it weren’t for family. I’m not just talking about the people to whom you’re genetically tied, but also the people you have chosen to have surround you when things are great as well as when they turn to shit. These are the people you know are going to love and accept you regardless of your mistakes and flaws, and you do the same for them. Not everyone is lucky enough to be born into that much love, some people have to find it or even create it. It makes things better.

BONUS: A freakin holiday dedicated entirely to food.

Surprised boy looking at stuffed thanksgiving turkey.

Even with my due date being the day of Thanksgiving, we are not going to let it stop us from celebrating this most joyous and delicious of holy days. I’m going to be too pregnant to travel, I am NOT cooking a huge meal, and we might not even be here to enjoy a meal or to visit the people we invited over to enjoy it, but we’re going to try and make the best of it. My local grocery store caters Thanksgiving meals, for which we have gone ahead and placed an order that will be picked up the day before. So if I go into labor, I can guarantee my first post-labor meal will be a huge plate of fall happiness. I can’t wait.



Done. I’m so done. Right?

I’m done. I am 35 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow, and if an OB came in here with some gas and a scalpel, I wouldn’t kick him out. I would boil some water and fetch him some clean towels. My Ikea sheets are blood red already. We would make it work.
That sounds horrible. Of course I don’t want a premature baby delivered by a designer scheduled csection, but shit, these last couple of weeks have been trying. Today has especially tested my will to stay pregnant AND a mother.
I am so tired. I don’t sleep more than 3 or 4 hours a night due to my hips aching and my brain deciding the best time to be both awake and ready for action is from 11 pm until whenever the fuck. I wake up to pee a minimum of 3 times a night. I have to wake up completely in order to flip over. I am a fucking zombie during the day.
My feet are swollen 24/7. Even when I am not on them for a long time, they are swollen. I wake up with boats attached to my cankles.
As you can imagine, being this exhausted while having 2 other kids to tend to has complicated nesting a bit. There is still so much to do. I am so overwhelmed. The thought of it all makes me want to cry, honestly. I do cry. By Thursday, I am usually so exhausted and flustered that I can’t hold it in before 7 am. The house is a mess. I finally get Vance and Deven to help me out on Sunday, but it doesn’t stay that way for more than a couple of days. And then I struggle to scrape together the energy to complete one task a day.
I feel like a failure. I signed up to be the Stay At Home Mom of 3, so I should be able to clean the house, help the kid with homework, keep on track with the budget right? I try to give myself some slack because I’m pregnant and super uncomfortable, but I can’t stand looking around at my surroundings. And then I get frustrated, the other fucking adult in the house acts like I am asking him to give up his left kidney if I ask him to do some dishes, cook one meal a week, or fold a load of fucking laundry. On top of just the every day shit that keeps building up under my feet, I still need to get the car cleaned inside and outside, shampoo the carpet, wash and set up the baby stuff, buy the additional baby things. I am supposed to do these things. Me. Because no one else gives a fuck.
My kids are evil and they know that mommy is exhausted and about to reach the end of her rope, so they are extra obstinate and obnoxious lately. Really, they’re just bored. Great, so I am supposed to take them to the park or something now? FUCK.
I did not mean to turn this into an all-out attack the spouse and kids bitch fest, really I didn’t. I promise I usually try to leave them out of my insanity. I just don’t know what I am going to do. I am not going to suddenly become comfortable and less tired and sore before the baby comes, so what am I supposed to do? Hire someone? Can I do that? I will seriously do that if it is something that I can afford.
Just…if I ever talk about wanting to get pregnant again, have me go back and read this post.

Sort of about how weird weather brings out the worst in people

We are in the middle of a remarkable weather phenomenon here in Central Texas. Its not weird in the sense that it never happens, its just weird in that it hasn’t happened in such a long time.
Today it was extremely rainy and chilly outside. It is September, nearing the end of a surprisingly mild, yet very dry summer. If you know anything about Texas, you know “summer” tends to last into the early parts of October. Our “autumn” is more like a mild summer, and the “winters” run from the end of December until sometimes mid-February, March at the latest. The Spring here is delightfully colorful and mild and sneeze-inducing, making it the highlight of the weather year in Texas.
Anyway, it hasn’t rained much at all this summer, and not nearly enough in the last few years. We are in the middle of an ugly drought, but after today, I want to say, in a hopeful tone, that maybe the misery we suffered through just today alone will make some kind of impact.
It rained. And it rained and it rained, and then it rained some more. People made plans for today that the rain couldn’t stop, and people made plans for today that I am sure they were upset about having to cancel because of the intense rain. People had a hard time getting out of bed this morning. Peoples’ moods were shot from the lack of sunshine. People weren’t afraid to be dicks to those around them, mostly because they wanted to stay home or be doing something other than going to the grocery store on a rainy Saturday afternoon. The rain inconvenienced everyone.
So Deven’s 7th birthday celebration is this weekend. His grandmother (my mother-in-law) is in town, as she typically is for these events. This morning we discussed our plans for this weekend since we’re not technically celebrating until tomorrow. We had made plans to go out to lunch with the kids, and then to take them to the mall for some Build A Bear action. First we needed to cover some essentials at the grocery store.
I grocery shop once a week, usually during the day while Deven is at school and the number of other shoppers is at a minimum. I don’t go near the grocery store during the weekend, unless there is something I absolutely need. The reason being because everyone who works during the week puts off grocery shopping until the weekend. Everyone in the town I live in, and then all of the people in Austin who hate shopping in Austin because they don’t want to haul around their own reusable grocery bags.
Yeah. Because of the disposable plastic bag ban in Austin, people think they are being slick and smart when they go to the smaller surrounding towns to do their grocery shopping, when really, they are just being assholes to the people in the small towns. I don’t even care about what is going into the landfills, I care about how over-crowded my neighborhood grocery store has become.
So it is pouring rain and assholes at the grocery store. Deven is aware of the plans for the weekend, and is aware that at some point today, he is going to get to open the presents from his “Neenah” (the grandmother name given to Vance’s mom.) He is being all sorts of demanding and persistent, and is refusing to listen to anything anyone has to say unless it is something along the lines of, “yes, Deven, you can do that thing that you want to do, whatever it is, no one cares.” That may happen when Neenah is the only one around, but when Mom is around, be ready to hear “NO” a lot, and be ready for the fight you are about to lose. Right off the bat, Deven wants a driving cart that is wet from sitting out in the rain, and then he wants to throw a fit about not being allowed to ride in the regular cart inside the store. Vance’s mom just wants everyone to be happy, and I just want to get my stuff and simultaneously get my stubborn kid to shut the hell up. The difference is that my method comes with lessons and doesn’t have much room for compromise.
We get about 20 feet in the produce section of the store, and Deven tries to climb into the cart over by the bagged oranges. The cart is pulled over and I have got him by the hand telling him he needs to lay off or he and I will be waiting in the car and then going home. Mind you, there is about 4-6 feet of walking space open to the public between our cart and the apple display to the right of us. That does not stop some grumpy asshole with his own teenager trailing behind him from having the (what I can only assume are shriveled up and poorly functioning – think ground cherries that have been on the ground for too long) testicles to say something to the affect of, “You think you guys can do this some other time.” Because, you know, he still had 4 feet of space to walk through, which he by the way did as I shot him the ugliest look I could muster. And then I flipped him off. Seriously asshole? Seriously?
My Mother-In-Law and I were stunned beyond words. I wanted to cuss the fucker out in the middle of the store, possibly insult his penis size and his mothers’ looks, but it was over before I could even find the fucker again.
I have Social Anxiety problems. The kind where every single interpersonal interaction stays with me forever and affects whether or not I want to leave my house for fear of having to talk to someone again. The kind where I have a bad interaction and go home and stew over it for days afterward. I cry. I take it to mean there is probably something wrong with me. I have a good interaction and it makes me afraid that the next experience will have to be even better or else I will have failed. I replay it in my mind. I refuse to accept that I can successfully talk to strangers.
You know how people get nervous in large crowds? Some people just get overwhelmed by all the people and the people energy and the talking, I get nervous because I see aaaaallll of the potential for small-talk. I get itchy.
You would think that it stopped there, but while we were attempting to peruse the baking aisle, yet another despicable piece of shit had something to say about all of the people in the aisle holding his attempted escape while they tried to, you know, shop. I was there to get cake mix for my kids birthday cupcakes. But I’m sorry that we and these 20 other people are also having to deal with the hoards of other shoppers while trying to make selections of our own. I am sorry you are having such a hard time dealing with life today. I am. Please try to be civil and keep your shitty attitude to yourself. You might end up pissing off the wrong person and getting punched in the face. That person may be an anxious, upset pregnant woman with a grudge.
We ended up getting everything we needed from the store with blood-free hands, and then cancelling the rest of our plans for the day. I have never felt so slighted by weather in my life. You could just feel the energy in that grocery store, which I would describe as fatigued and hostile. I am sure no one knew the weather was going to be as ugly as it was going to be. No one knew that it was going to make them feel like they just dragged their bodies out of bed after 4 hours of a sleep riddled by nightmares and overactive bladders. I HATE these kinds of days. I am sure scientists or psychologists or some other killer of faith and creativity would probably say that there is no link between weather and mass grumpiness, but I will continue to say that is fucking bullshit, and that will be my religion from that moment on.
And to think tomorrow we will be taking Deven to Chuck E Cheese. Because I love misery, and misery loves breaking out in hives from the small talk with strangers.