I am SO ANGRY in the mornings. Seriously, as I am walking my son into the school cafeteria in the morning, I am entertaining elaborate fantasies of beating the shit out of strangers who don’t thank me for holding the door open, or for walking to slow, or for just existing in the same space as me. That isn’t healthy. It can’t be.
And I wish I could say that is where it begins and ends, but that would be a lie. I am so short tempered in the mornings from the minute that alarm goes off at 6 am, and poor Deven is the one who most of the rage is dumped onto. If he takes a second too long to get dressed or brush his teeth or do anything, you would swear by the volume and tone of my voice that he just set the damn house on fire. But he didn’t, and that’s not right that he has to deal with this.
This morning Vance got up late and spent 40 minutes in the bathroom taking a shit and I screamed at him so loud, I swear the neighbors down the street could hear it.
I have an idea of what is going on. For one, I haven’t been myself since my last bout of faulty fertility, and that has definitely made things worse. (I can’t wait for this cycle to end so I can figure out what is going on with my hormones.) But I can’t deny this has been going on for a while. If you go back a few posts I talk about the link between my recent depression and my early mornings. I think the depression I’ve been experiencing has, in fact, become worse. I obviously need to address this problem before everyone around me rightfully decides to leave.
Its not just that I am morning-intolerant, its also that I have lately been feeling I am just stuck here in this house all day just waiting for something neat to happen. Like I stare at the sink and the stove wanting them to do tricks. Since Vance started this job, I feel like my time has been taken away from me. I used to be able to go and out and experience things and people, and now those moments have become so few and so precious. I love my kids and being home with them, but being around them all the time is stressful and exhausting and often times not fun.
Its especially been tough because for the last several days I have spent a good part of it awash in Goo-B-Gone used to clean fresh crayon markings off the walls.
So I guess today I am going to call my insurance company and find out what kind of coverage I can expect for treatment. I was hoping to be spending my money and time on prenatal visits, not this.